Agent 151: It’ll never happen … those predictions for 2016

Agent 151 puts a local government perspective on the nation’s top predictions for 2016 and find conclusions to ease your worries.

1. 2016 will be the hottest year ever recorded.

Councils have been busy dealing with the impact and aftermath of extensive flooding in many parts of the UK due to unprecedented weather conditions. The Met Office has predicted that 2016 will be the hottest year ever recorded, causing more weather-related chaos; it is therefore inevitable that, given the contrariness of British weather, we can look forward to below average temperatures and a white Xmas. However, don’t put the sandbags away just yet.  Nostradamus too made a prediction about the weather in 2016: “Water shall be seen to rise as the ground is seen to fall underneath”. It has the ring of truth to it: one thing we do know about the UK weather is that it will rain!

2. Self driving cars will be launched successfully in the UK.

Councils will suffer enormous income losses as risk-taking is eliminated from road travel. Box junction fines, parking fines, and speeding fines will fall away as robot cars model good motorist behaviour on our roads. Well, perhaps not yet; but in the meantime there will be a significant impact on road safety from advanced driver assistance systems such as lane-departure warnings, automatic braking, and auto parking. Good news for drivers. But don’t worry, colleagues: there’s still plenty of time to roll out those average speed cameras you’ve been planning and watch the cash roll in.

3. Affordable, functional hoverboards will become available

A public health director’s nightmare: no need to walk anywhere when you can travel safely in style on your own hoverboard. Don’t we want people to get exercise so that they improve their health? Actually hoverboards have been a nightmare for trading standards officers around the country due to an influx of pirated, poorly made copies. It’s not all bad, though. Apparently they are good for your core muscles, so hoverboarding is still better than old fashioned couch-surfing.

4. The Brexit.

A British exit from the EU could, we are told, reverse immigration, save billions and free Britain from an economic burden. On the other hand, it could subject the country to deep economic uncertainty and result in the loss of millions of jobs. Will it happen following the referendum? Nah.

5. The Labour Party will split.

Labour is now made up of “two strands, two parties”, says Peter Hyman, Tony Blair’s former speechwriter. The left, composed of Corbyn and his supporters, is deemed unelectable.  The centre left, made up of the remains of New Labour, cannot live with what they see as the Corbyn brand of narrow self-righteousness. A split might see the fragmentation of Labour’s electorate, resulting in Conservative domination of town halls up and down the land, not to mention national government. It may alternatively see new centre-left opposition emerging through a merger of Lib Dems and New Labour; possibly known as Dem Lib Labs?

6. Everything else

Pundits make a fortune at this time of year speculating upon what will happen in the next twelve months, but the fact is that the future for local government finance really isn’t too hard to see. So here’s what will happen: councils will find a way to balance their budgets without falling over; after a meaningless consultation council tax support will be integrated into Universal Credit; there will be more government housing initiatives focused on giving access to ownership; the diminution of the local authority role in education will continue; social care will continue to eat into council budgets; NHS overspending will continue; pension funds will merge; and devolution will make a slow start and have no initial impact.  There. So now you can stop worrying. Happy new year.