Agent 151: 2016 is on trial

The past 12 months are in the dock. Agent151 covers the trial of an offender that has left many feeling like victims of a crime.

M’lud, the next case is the Crown versus the Year 2016. Read out all the charges? Well, I would M’lud but it’s a very long list and we don’t have much time. The prisoner is very elderly and will soon be up the wooden steps to Deadfordshire, if you get my drift. I’ll just whiz through the highlights, shall I? Yes, I mean lowlights, of course; I beg your pardon. Shall I begin? Thank you.

Ahem! M’lud, each year that we have tried in this courtroom in the past has been guilty to some degree or other of very serious crimes against humanity: war, injustice, cruelty, violence, abuse, neglect, Eric Pickles, to name but a few.

Against these crimes, we have weighed the mitigation: the good things that have happened, the progress made in the world, and in this way the court has been able to reach its judgement. In relation to 2016, we may take the usual crimes as read: UKIP, Boris Johnson etcetera. However, I must draw to the attention of the court some particularly heinous offences with which the prisoner is charged, and I am sorry to say there is very little that can be said in mitigation.

The charges

In 2016 Donald Trump was elected to the office of president of the United States of America. M’lud, on this charge I need say no more.

In 2016 the UK held a referendum on Europe and decided to leave the European Union, beginning a process known as Brexit.

Whether you think the long term effects will be beneficial or detrimental, M’lud, the immediate consequences have undoubtedly been negative: economic uncertainty; the Pound devalued; the OBR’s growth forecast revised downwards; more austerity; mid-term policy switches (due to new party leadership) such as the reintroduction of grammar schools and further delays to Universal Credit; and devolution to local government left hanging.

In 2016 the plight of the refugees from Syria, Iraq, and other countries in crisis in the Middle East and North Africa was highlighted as the Calais jungle was cleared and councils in the UK volunteered to care for unaccompanied children.

In 2016 social care in the UK finally lurched into crisis after several years of teetering on the edge. Despite the introduction of the regressive social care precept on the council tax, 2016 saw the government’s plans for funding social care exposed as deeply inadequate. The funding of children’s services emerged as an equally serious, if not greater, issue than the funding of adult social care. The settlement for 2017/18 has offered no more than a sticking plaster.

In 2016 some parts of the UK found themselves locked in the grip of an ongoing housing crisis, with homeless families arriving on council doorsteps in droves as they sought help with finding an economic future or managing the effects of reductions in the benefits caps. Housing policy failed to deliver enough affordable housing where it was needed and economic policy failed to deliver jobs in areas where housing is plentiful.

In 2016 the NHS continued its slide into unaffordability, with overspending rife and no-one at all surprised. Sustainable Transformation Plans (STPs) were argued over and became no more than an empty exercise that all concerned would like to see kicked into the long grass.

In 2016 MP Jo Cox was shot and stabbed in an horrific murder after a constituency meeting. Also, we saw many more than usual iconic and much-loved individuals pass away: Bowie; Muhammad Ali; Prince; Leonard Cohen; Alan Rickman; A A Gill; Terry Wogan; Andrew Sachs; Robert Vaughan; Jean Alexander; Gene Wilder; Victoria Wood; Johan Cruyff; and Ronnie Corbett.

And finally, and perhaps worst of all M’lud, in 2016 Phil Collins announced a comeback tour.

The verdict

That concludes the indictment. M’lud, the case against is so overwhelming, I suggest we move straight to sentencing. Apart from the UK’s wonderful performance in the Rio Olympic Games and Chewbacca Mom, there is nothing at all to be said in mitigation. You agree? Excellent! There can only be one sentence for this. Shall I get your black cloth? What’s that? The courts service is a bit backed up, so sentencing can’t be done until 2019 at the earliest?! But M’lud…!

Agent151 is a senior local authority finance director and s151 officer.